I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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