Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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