She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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