so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
