This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
