I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
