Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
