Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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