It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
