She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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