i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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