He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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