im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
