Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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