You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
