you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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