i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
