He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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