Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
