did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
