I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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