the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
