my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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