What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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