i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
