Sponge bath it is.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
