a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
