shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
This is the prime rib incident all over again
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
