I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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