You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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