i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
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Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
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You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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