I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
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You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
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You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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