Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
