Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
