I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
