i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
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Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
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There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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