Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
