I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
