Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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