i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
