TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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