any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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