I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
