farters have to be the big spoon...
false alarm. still invincible.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
