i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think people are normalizing furries
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
