Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
We smell like vodka and hangover
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