I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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