Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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