there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
