I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
