I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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