Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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