I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
