My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
