i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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