you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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