I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
