I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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